Isn't it ironic? Don'tcha think?

It's funny how being with the ones you love can make you feel even more lonely. Usually it's just me, lying on the couch, going for a walk, watching tv, putzing around online... it can be very insular. Not that I'm totally complaining. I enjoy the downtime, when I literally have nothing to do than just work through my tivo and decide what I want to eat for lunch. But I don't know what I'm missing. I'm happy with that because that's all there is. Whereas right now I see what I'm missing: my friends. And it's hard because with these people it's not about the catching up. It's not the "how's work? how's the apartment?" and all the other mundane requisite questions to get up to speed. It's the nothings. It's the expression on your face when you're telling a funny story; it's the inside joke from years ago that you still remember after all this time; it's the courage to talk about things in life that aren't so great and not having to pretend that everything's going just swimmingly. It's the honesty, the silences that aren't awkward, the camaraderie, the bond.

Seeing all these old friends has been fantastic. The best part has been being able to see them and feeling like I never left. Picking up right where we left off - yea things have changed around us but we're still the same people at heart. I miss so much what I know I can't have, and a part of me is deathly afraid that I'll never get it back again. It's just so hard to imagine how things will be in the future, how this new perspective and experience will play out in the rest of my life. I know my friends will always be there for me; I just wish it was in the physical sense more than just metaphorically.

I just feel like I'm so different - mentally and physically. And what must my friends think? I only wish I could know what this whole experience has been like for them. Sometimes I feel as if they think they have to walk on eggshells around me, like they're afraid to ask because they don't want to bring up a sore subject. When the truth is, they're the ones I feel I can be truly honest with, that I can really talk to. I'm not going to bring it up because hellooo who wants to talk about cancer? But for me that's all I do have to talk about. At the same time I'm not going to just like vent on command. And I can spot insincerity from a mile away. I've stated multiple times my feelings against pity parties. I don't need or want any sympathy; just an ear, just some effort, some compassion.

I feel as if I'm contradicting myself because as I'm writing this I feel ridiculous asking for people to reach out to me when I know the majority of the time when somebody asks me "So how are you doing?" I brush it off and say everything's great. I guess what I want is for my peers to not be afraid. Like asking about my cancer is the same as if they were asking about my job or that guy I met last weekend. I know it's weird and not the usual topic of conversation but I don't want to be treated any differently. I don't want people tip-toeing around me or the leukemia. I'm not afraid to talk about it so nobody else should be either! It's a major part of my life, unfortunately, but a part just like any other, so it should be treated as such. No pity parties, no thank you! Just sincerity and friendship, that's all...