PRESSURE

So what are you up to? Oh, nothing, you know, just trying to figure out my life... Yea, fine I may not technically be working full-time, but I still work - it's just personal instead of professional. Currently, there are two big to-do's on my list:
#1 Apply to grad school
#2 Get a job

#1 is bearing down on me the hardest; it seems the more I delve into programs, applications, options, the more work I uncover. My lazy self is recoiling at the thought of anything remotely difficult, while my logical self is pushing onward, even weighing the pros and cons of a PhD. I remember how burnt out I was by the time I was finishing university. I have a vivid memory from the fall of my senior year, sitting at my computer writing a final paper and thinking to myself how pointless it all was. How my papers, portfolios, and finals were all simply busy work merely to get a grade; letters were all that stood between me and a bachelor's degree. My school work seemed such an impartial judgement of me; I bemoaned the fact that a simple grade was what determined my academic (and seemingly personal) worth. As ridiculous as it may sound, when spring exams rolled around that year, I was more than happy to be in a hospital bed rather than on campus suffering through all the work (which if I thought was pointless in the fall, would've been an excruciating exercise for me in the spring!).

Now facing a masters degree, I can't help but wonder if I'm honestly ready for that again. More school. At the same time though, I've already been advised that apparently everyone in the art world has a PhD, so what was already a small, competitive field is even more so - time's a-wasting!

It's this constant push-and-pull. The comfortable vs. the uncomfortable. The known vs. the unknown. What I want to do and what I should do. I'm essentially trying to figure out my life in only a few months and it's hard!