Stephanie’s Book Club

“…I have put on weight. I exist more now than I did four months ago. I will leave Italy noticeably bigger than when I arrived here. And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person – the magnification of one life – is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody’s but my own.” (p. 116)

Many times since being diagnosed I have struggled with the idea of being selfish. And/or guilt. More than one person has pointed out to me that I apologize wayyy too much. For whatever reason I just seem to have this default reaction of saying “I’m sorry” in response to anything. After being diagnosed I couldn’t help but feel like a burden to my family and my friends. It may sound ridiculous but I felt bad asking someone to get me a glass of ice or help me stand up. Not to mention having to bunk in unexpectedly in my parents’ house, the insurance, the time! My parents spent practically every moment they could with me when I was in the hospital, including overnight. I have never gone to Dana Farber by myself. I felt guilty asking people to get me things when I couldn’t get out of bed. Sometimes I even feel bad parking in a handicapped parking spot…. But not too bad! I probably feel more anxious that somebody’s going to question why I parked in a handicapped spot, though I’ll gladly whip off the wig to prove my right to park there! Hahaha, but I digress…

From the guilt and from the cancer though I’ve learned to accept being a little selfish. I’ve had to learn that it’s ok to ask for help; it’s ok to reach out. I have to admit I don’t necessarily always practice what I preach, but I’ve got another year to learn right? Like Liz though, I hope that in the end with all that I’ve learned, with all that I’ve gone through, even though it’s been a little selfish, it’s been really important to have this time, it “is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life…happens to be nobody’s but my own.”

I’m unemployed. I probably watch too much tv for my own good. I’m the most out of shape I have ever been (that’s not all my fault though!). To the outside, unknowing eye I’m an incredibly lazy person. But I’ve grown. Phsyically? Yea, a little bit, but as my nurse said, now I’m in “The Great Deflate”. Have I grown emotionally? Um…. YES. Let’s not forget I managed to still graduate on time despite my leukemia (take THAT cancer!) But I think most importantly I’ve really learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned how I handle things, how at certain points I can’t handle things, and I’ve really been able to evaluate who I am and who I want to be. Yea, maybe it’s a little selfish, but if you asked me pre-diagnosis who I was, I wouldn’t have even been able to begin to tell you. Now, I still couldn’t really give a straight, articulate, efficient answer, but I can tell you this: I am still me. While it has certainly taken its toll (and I know it’s not finished yet) I am not my cancer. I’ve got a lot left to do and plenty of time to leave my mark on the world. Do I know what that is? No, not yet, but I know it’s there. Just like the tulips that are still underground, I am just waiting. Waiting to burst, waiting to bloom, waiting for my beautiful self to bravely re-enter the world. Waiting patiently? No, not always, but I know it’s coming. My life has expanded, in ways I never would’ve guessed, but I am thankful for it (for the most part… on the good days!) I am thankful that my perspective has changed, that I’ve become more well-rounded. I know it’s cliché, but after beating cancer (fingers crossed!) I can totally take on the world. New Job? Cooking? Pregnancy - after all these freakin’ side effects?! BRING IT. Clearly, life post-now is going to be a little more difficult than just those three obstacles, but I think/hope I’ll be able to handle it. Easy peezy lemon squeezy.



Experience. Transformation. I have expanded, my life has magnified. Yea, maybe I’ve been a little bit selfish. But you should be too! Seriously! Trust me, it’s worth it.