Yoga for the body and mind

So my fitness regime is going relatively well so far I guess... I like the yoga classes at my gym, although they're pretty intense. It's good because I like the challenge and I have no issue pacing myself if I need to. It's the sort of thing though where they kind of put me in check - I have to relearn what I can and cannot do. I've really lost a lot of strength and muscle so I'm realizing what I need to work on, do strength training and not just cardio. I can't even necessarily support my own body weight - I can only do a high plank and nothing lower! It's like my arms and quads have just turned to jelly...

As I moved through the class today there were times when I felt as if my legs might buckle from underneath me. My quads would tremble and shake as I used my core to rise out of a lunge and transition to the next pose. For a split second I was nervous that my legs would just give out, that they couldn't take it anymore. Sometimes I feel like my life is the same way. I've already experienced having a split second change EVERYTHING - who's to say that couldn't happen again? I know I can't live my life waiting for the other shoe to drop, and I know I've already touched on this subject before, but it's really hard to trust that something isn't going to happen again when it's already happened. It's the same as with anybody who's lost trust, whether it's a child disobeying their parents, or a friend going against you, or somebody lying to you, anything where trust is lost - how do you grow back? My body betrayed me, my blood went against me, my lymphocytes lied to me saying they were healthy and then growing and multiplying out of control. How can I trust that it won't happen again? I know it simply takes time. (Hello?!!! My treatment is TWO YEARS long!) I know there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I'm so grateful to have that, but sometimes it just seems so far away.

My friend asked me the other day how my hair was growing back. I know she meant well by it, and it is growing back, but at the same time every day I look at myself in the mirror and I don't feel I look any different. It's still too short to do anything with and I feel like it'll be months before it really starts to look like anything. Even though I know time is passing, it's all going by so slowly that it's really difficult to stay positive about any 'progress'; it barely feels like any progress is being made. The negatives are much more apparent than any positives.

It's really hard.