It's not frostbite...

Over the past few weeks I've developed peripheral neuropathy, another convenient side effect of one of my chemotherapies. Basically in my feet some of my toes have gone numb; I can still feel them, but to the touch I've got permanent pins and needles. What it is is that this one chemotherapy causes nerve damage, so the numbness that I feel is a sign that the nerves in my feet (part of the peripheral nervous system, rather than the central nervous system) are being damaged from my chemo. Nerve damage is slow to recover apparently so my numbness could take up to a year or so to go away once I'm finished chemo. Isn't that crazy?! Yet another reason why when I'm 'done' this spring, I'm not really actually 'done'. The neuropathy though can also show up in your hands, which luckily for me so far I'm not noticing anything in my fingers. And my doctor wouldn't stop the chemo that's causing this until the neuropathy became functionally debilitating ie my feet are so numb I can't feel the floor or something like that.

All of my prescriptions (like everyone's) always come with a detailed print out of all the drug information. Even though at this point I'm on all the same drugs so I pretty much know what to expect, I'll re-read the info from time to time just in case there are other side effects that I should look out for or just as a reminder of things to be aware of. Every single one always has this line that goes something like, "You and your doctor should adequately discuss whether the benefits of taking this drug outweigh the risks of its side effects." For whatever reason that line would always stick out to me, I guess because compared to more commonplace drugs the side effects that I deal with are pretty serious. I'm risking a lot, but it's worth it. I guess it strikes me as odd because I never really realized how much I'm risking, because regardless of what I risked, it's worth it compared to dying from cancer. Because that's what would've happened. If untreated, leukemia is fatal. I could have died.

It's weird for me to realize that. I mean, yes I've thought about it, but not really. It's another check for me; a cancer-check instead of a reality-check. Every now and then as I progress and move slowly back into the 'real' world, something will happen or I'll come upon a realization and I'll come crashing back down to cancer-land. This time I guess I'm realizing the intensity of my treatments, the gravity of my 'decisions'. I say 'decisions' because in a lot of ways I didn't actively decide to pursue my leukemia treatment - I mean what choice did I have? Life or death? And that basically is the decision with all my treatments, with all my drugs. That discussion that I should have with my doctor about whether the benefits of a drug outweighs the risks and side effects? It's basically living or dying; I don't think there's too much to think about.

Because I've never really had a choice, it's weird for me to think about everything that I've gone through. It's weird for me to realize how abnormal all of this has been, how abnormal it continues to be. Because for me, going to the Dana Farber Cancer Institute and having an IV plugged into my chest every single Wednesday is routine. I see nurses and doctors more than I see my friends. This is what my life has become, but there has never been any question as to whether or not it's worth it. Because I am alive. I guess it just seems weird to me because I never realized how close I came to dying; how bad it could have been. I caught my leukemia early enough and started treatment quickly enough that the disease never spread too far. Even with my treatments the side effects have been manageable enough that I never really felt 'sick'. Or at least I never told myself that - so maybe that's the trick?! Looking back I definitely looked it, and in thinking about it - how I was essentially bedridden and mostly housebound for a year - I was sick. It honestly is bizarre to me to think of how bad it actually was. Sometimes I wonder if ten years down the line I'll have to remind myself, like, "oh yea, I had cancer". At the same time this has all been so traumatic and sometimes continues to be that I feel like I'll never forget it, I will always carry the cancer card. So confusing. So weird.

And no I won't let my last blog entry before Christmas be about death, don't worry.....