TGIF

It's been a good day so far. I had an appointment, now done; laundry is in process; room is clean. These past few weeks I feel as if I've just been running and running, keeping up with work, with my friends, with my family, even myself. Now that I'm 'in the clear' I need to catch up on everything that was put on pause way back when - take care of the rest of myself and not just my cancer self. The dentist, the dermatologist, a haircut: my summer is slowly being whittled away by all these appointments. I've been scheduled in at work until July 11th, but as I'm realizing how much time I don't have, I'm wishing that I wasn't. I console myself with the thoughts of a paycheck, but I wonder how much better I'd feel if I were swimming and reading instead of working.

The fatigue is very much still with me. What's hard is when I work, between the actual hours and my commute, my entire day is pretty much blown. I never schedule myself for consecutive days because I know I need the rest in between. But my days off inevitably become filled with errands and appointments. I need to add 'rest' to my to-do list; what an oxymoron!

The transition is definitely in process. Just like my treatment, just like my recovery, it doesn't all come at once, there's no instant gratification. It's slow and steady: it's the underline, it's in the background; not always obvious, but definitely always there. I'm trying to handle it, but it doesn't always come easy. I go to work, I keep up with my schedule, but I'm deathly tired at the end of the day. At dinner, once I've finished eating, I lie down. I don't speak if I don't have to. I rest whenever I can because I need to.

It's frustrating for those around me because I don't often verbalize how I feel. I struggle though because throughout this whole ordeal I've despised being treated any differently due to my health. I've tried to assimilate myself so I'm not just a cancer patient, that my leukemia is simply one part of the whole. But I still get the cancer checks; they haunt my every move. It's a love/hate relationship that I have with the cancer card: sometimes it can definitely come in handy, but other times I hate that it's even there. What I'm afraid of is if the cancer card is ever interpreted akin to the boy who cried 'wolf'. I never want it to be seen as simply an excuse, and not a legitimate reason. I hate admitting my leukemia as an excuse. I hate that it's still there; but I cannot deny it - I need more rest. I need more time. I can't just jump back in again; I'm not ready. I don't want to use it, but I need to.

Don't worry though, it's not never; it's just not yet.