Careful... it's a big one!

So yesterday turned out to be a LONG day… Headed into Dana Farber for the usual Wednesday appointment; this week I was due for some chemo and also ended up having to get two bags of blood transfused. I also had to get a CT scan because I’ve had this weird thing with my ears that isn’t really readily explainable. So they ordered me for a CT scan of my neck and chest to check for blood clots around my line, etc. as that could potentially explain the ear thing (my ears sometimes will sort of feel like they’re falling asleep or something… I know, it’s weird.). So I finished at DF at 3:30 (after making it in for an 8:30 am blood draw) and had to run over to the Brigham for my CT scan, which was scheduled for 3:30. Luckily being a little late didn’t seem to be too much of a big deal, but the scan did end up taking longer than I thought. (You’d think by now I’d realize that NOTHING at a hospital is either on time or efficient…oh well) I expected they’d call me in and I’d have to change into a super sexy hospital gown, lie on the table, get the x-ray, and peace out. But no. This dude calls me in and is like, “I’m going to place your IV!” and I was like, “uhhh well actually I have a Hickman Line.”
“Well, we actually can’t use the Hickman for this kind of injection so I still need to put in your IV”
“Umm, ok, well I’m really wary of needles.”
“Well just don’t look then.”
Gee, THANKS. How comforting. Needless to say, the needle hurt! I am sorry, but I don’t think I will EVER get used to having something like that put in. Maybe I’m over-sensitive, maybe I’m being a baby, but that needle just set me off. Thank goodness he didn’t have any trouble finding a vein (when I first had to go into the hospital when I was diagnosed I was prodded so many times in BOTH arms for an IV before I got Hickman, I STILL have bruising from it. No joke. I still have bruising from IVs I had in APRIL.) I mean, whatever; it was the sort of thing where yea it hurt to get and stuff and yea I did start crying, but at the same time I tried to use some of my newly learned Canyon Ranch breathing techniques and mentally told myself to just suck it up… And essentially ever since yesterday that’s what I’ve been telling myself… but it’s really hard. For whatever reason right now it’s really f-ing hard to just suck it up.

So I go back to the waiting room with my nice new IV, oh and ps – I’m by myself. My mom had to leave cause she had an appointment downtown so Lauren was coming to pick me up. Thank goodness Lauren arrived maybe about ten minutes later, but who knows what the other people in the waiting room thought of me because I came out just looking a mess and then was scrambling for tissues when I sat down… oh well. Lauren came and consoled me and then soon after they called me in. So I went in for the scan, didn’t even have to get changed, and the scan was pretty quick and painless. It was kind of awkward though just cause they ran through everything really quickly, which is understandable – it was the end of the day, and I doubt that running CT scans is an overly exciting job. But I like to have everything explained to me, not in super detail, but just so that I know what to expect you know? Whatever, I’m being pretty nit-picky here. I guess I’m just used to the personal relationships I have with my doctors and nurses and everyone at DF so it was just weird to just be another face in the crowd type of thing.

So whatever, the scan was fine, but Lauren and I didn’t leave until like 5:30/6 – just in time for traffic! We picked up dinner on the way home and good tv was on last night so I was able to enjoy my trashy Tyra and then some tivo’d inspiration from Oprah with my mom.

Then today I ventured to suburban Mecca, I mean, the mall. Had an eye appointment where, refreshingly, I was given a clean bill of health. Then I browsed a few stores and scored a few treats for myself off the sale racks. Wasn’t at the mall too long though, just grabbed a quick lunch and then went back home. It’s been kind of a weird day though. Right before I left my mum told me that one of my doctors called with the results of my CT scan – they’ve found what could be a small blood clot on one of my lungs. Not a big deal, but they want to run an ultrasound on my legs to check for any other clots. If I do have more then I’ll probably be put on blood thinners, but if the one in my lungs is the only one then it’s small enough that they’d just leave it (this of course is also banking on no other symptoms cropping up like fever or anything). When I was in hospital in April I had to get an ultrasound on my arm to look for clots so I’ve been there, done that, no big deal. Aside from the pain of having to go into Boston again tomorrow, but whatever. Maybe the ultrasound jelly stuff will be super moisturizing for my legs or something…. Good thing I’m getting a pedicure tomorrow beforehand!

But yea, so driving to the mall, and then when I was driving back too I’d just start crying randomly. And I wasn’t necessarily listening to super depressing music or anything. I don’t know, I guess I kinda feel like when I had to get the IV yesterday it subconsciously brought back all the hospital stuff. It’ll be interesting to see how this whole thing plays out just because I think I’ve potentially repressed a lot thanks to my ‘suck it up and deal’ motto. Like today in the car I’d start tearing up but then I’d immediately put my head back and take a deep breath to stop crying. Yesterday I felt like a patient, I felt like I was sick again. Whereas usually it’s just like this is something that I have, but I don’t consider myself ‘sick’. And then today, getting my scan results, I mean they’re not bad necessarily, but it’s a hiccup. It’s not the usual smooth sailing and every time there’s a bit of a bump it brings everything up again – what if it’s back? What if it’s worse? What if it’s spread? What if this is it? I mean, maybe this life isn’t for me. Maybe I am supposed to die young. It happens all the time. Maybe my fate is to provide inspiration to others. Maybe my life is really just for everybody else – to inspire, for memories, I don’t know. I haven’t done anything that great yet so I don’t know what I’d inspire but… I know I can’t spend my life waiting for the ball to drop. I know I can’t predict the future (certainly didn’t see this coming, duh!!!) and I can’t waste my time with anxiety over it. I know I have to just suck it up and deal. As usual, I have to put on the brave face. “Stephanie, you’re doing so well!” “You’re blog is so inspirational!” “You’re handling all of this so amazingly” “Your sense of humour is just incredible”

Can’t I drop the face some of the time though?



I can’t predict the future. A part of me can’t wait; it also scares the shit out of me.

I’m crying now. Have been for a little while now. I think I needed it.