So I think I've figured it out...

I think what I've done as I guess what would be a coping mechanism is this: I've invented this world for myself where cancer is ok. Where leukemia isn't a big deal, it's just part of life. I've created this bubble of security where it doesn't matter that I'm bald or ugly. In my world, I don't have to think twice about the fact that when I roll over in bed I have to rearrange the tubes that are coming out of my chest. In my world, when I feel so bloated from the drugs I could easily pass for a pregnant woman I tell myself that it's nothing to worry about. When I look at myself in the mirror, I tell myself that it's not that bad. It's this world of selective attention I guess. Or selective normalcy is a better way to put it. Everything to me seems normal, and when something out of the ordinary crops up - like seeing myself in pictures or mirrors, or the little hair that I've managed to sprout falling out yet again - I ignore it. Like selective memories. Except it's my life.

But the system isn't foolproof. Every now and then these reality checks will crop up and throw me off. Like getting the extra IV for the CT scan? Reality check. Seeing old pictures of myself? Reality check.Trying to run? Yea, you guessed it: reality check. And that's when it hits: I am sick; I am ugly; I've lost the muscles in my legs to run. I'm not what I used to be. But am I still who I used to be? I think I am, but this whole thing is obviously changing me. Physically, fine; but emotionally? I certainly didn't ask for that.

As usual, I can't predict the future. So who knows how this story will end.... how my story will end. The question is though, am I coping the wrong way? Is my 'normal' world a 'reality' that I can safely believe in? The last thing I need is for me to ignore the real reality enough to become disillusioned.... But that's what the reality checks are for, right? As depressing as they are, they remind me of what once was, and inspire me for what can come.

So as I said, I think I've figured it out....