Today I cracked.

Not a lot, but a little. I was putting on my make up and I was trying this new foundation I just bought. It was looking more yellow than I would've liked and as I was mentally going through how much of a hassle it was going to be to return it and find a new one after all that I already went through just to get this first one, I got a hot flash. When you're trying to judge the efficacy of foundation, sweating definitely does not help, so I'm just getting more and more frustrated and the more stressed I am, the hotter I get.

I go to my room to cool off and sit down. Anyway, Kristen comes in to tell me about the latest fun idea she's hatched and I'm just waiting for her to say something about my makeup. I can tell she's looking at my face so it's just a matter of time before she tells me the shade isn't right. She says instead, "are you wearing your new foundation? It really looks good." I of course don't believe her, but she insists that it's the right shade and it definitely works. She notices that I'm stand-offish though and asks what's my problem is. I blow it off and say it's nothing, even though I know in my head that it's just bubbling up, about to boil over: my frustration, my anger, my resentment. She walks out and yells back as she's walking down the hall "Are you ok?" and I can't answer her because I had started crying and I know if I say anything my voice will crack and she'll know I'm crying. She could tell though so she came back since I hadn't answered her.

So what's my problem?

I'm sick of it; that's what. I'm sick of seeing myself in the mirror. I'm sick of the cheeks and the double chin. I'm sick of not being able to suck it in because A. I don't have any stomach muscles anymore and B. there's too much to suck in anyway! I'm sick of trying to hide my body when I used to be able to show it off. I'm sick of the hot flashes. I'm sick of trying to discreetly wipe my brow so people don't notice how much I'm visibly sweating. I'm sick of not being able to help it. I can't help having hot flashes, I can't help my weight gain, I can't help my steroid face.

I could go on, I could vent about every little thing in my life that is wrong because of my leukemia. And trust me, it's a lot. I feel like pretty much everything that's wrong can be attributed to my leukemia. Thank you chemo, may I have another - NOT. But I'm not going to because here's the point: IT SUCKS.

All I needed though was for someone to listen, and that's what Kristen did. I need to vent, I'm not looking for advice. Because yes, I know, there is a light at the end of the tunnel; there are only a few months left; I'm almost done. But you know what? I'm not done. Not yet, not for another three months at least, and right now it sucks. I don't care how many months are left, because it's already been twenty-two months and frankly it's been long enough. So the light at the end of the tunnel isn't really shining that bright for me right now. But that's ok because today I just cracked a little. And tomorrow I'll get back on the horse. Today was down, tomorrow will be up. Or at least eventually it'll be back up. That's life. Leukemia or not, it happens to everyone: we're up, we're down, we're up again, we're down again. Because that's what makes it all worth it, right? Here's hoping...