This is it

Don't get me wrong, I am more than happy to be done. But I feel as if I'm in this limbo and I don't really know what to do. With the holiday weekend I saw a bunch of family and friends and everyone was so supportive (still!), offering congratulations, and so happy for me. I very much have the sense that I wasn't the only one breathing a sigh of relief last week. May 20th was just as big a deal for all of my friends, family, supporters, as it was for me.

To be totally honest though, so far, it's been kind of anticlimactic. Nothing has truly changed - I still feel the same, I still look the same. And really, it hasn't been that different because this past week hasn't varied at all from the rest of the week 3's in all the three-week cycles that I've been running through in this last phase of my treatment. I still had my usual chemo; and as used to it as I am, as short as the actual infusion is, I can't lose sight of the fact that I still just had chemotherapy. This is a blog so I spare you the gory details, but it's not the kind of thing that's simply 'out of sight, out of mind'.

Everyone's congratulations were followed by something along the lines of, "How does it feel?" or, "How do you feel?" and I began to feel guilty because I knew my answer wasn't what they expected or wanted to hear. Because it doesn't feel any different; I don't feel any different. I was seriously considering having a fake answer of, "It's amazing!" or some other fantastically happy sentiment, but I would've felt ridiculous lying like that. It's hard enough for anyone to deal with cancer whether you're the patient or the supporter; the least I can do is be honest with people so they can have a true perspective on it and not be wondering if their words and actions are 'right' or 'wrong'. At the same time though, I wouldn't recommend Memorial Day cookouts for frank conversations about leukemia and chemotherapy.

That is, though, until today. Today I did not wake up at 6:45 for a 7am departure to Dana Farber. I did not have my blood drawn today, and I did not receive any chemo. I'm not starting any steroids, nor any chemo pills. Today is not a Day 1, it's a Wednesday. Just a Wednesday. So now it begins. Now my body will start to realize that it's not getting any more 'roids, there will be no onslaught of chemotherapy, and all of my cells, in my blood and my body, can return to their normal, healthy ways. Vive le difference!