Rambling

It’s a funny thing getting cancer when you’re twenty-one. Or maybe it’s just my personality. Because it’s less common, it’s so unusual that it’s seen as a freak occurrence, something extraordinary. So it’s treated as such, with more personal detachment I think. Cancer is more common for older people, so for them I think there’s a certain acceptance that goes along with it. As you age you know your body will begin to deteriorate, so a cancer diagnosis can be a natural part of that and isn’t seen as such an anomaly.

It’s not that I’m in denial, but for me my cancer is just something I have to go through. It’s been very methodical and I’ve proceeded through every part of my treatment step by step. With my diagnosis there were no questions; there weren’t really options. I was diagnosed and they had already called the ambulance. I was put straight into the hospital and my treatment started as soon as I got there. My doctors diagnosed my leukemia not just to the cell, to the chromosomal anomaly. There’s an exact protocol for my treatment that goes day by day, with all the drugs and tests worked out down to the dosage – for two full years. And it’s continually being updated and fine-tuned; the protocol that I’m doing was updated a month before I was diagnosed so I’m literally on the latest and greatest treatment plan. And my reactions and progress are being monitored and studied to further fine-tune the protocol. It really has been my job; it’s just this thing I have to do. These are the cards I’ve been dealt and I have to play them.

This isn’t the rest of my life. Today it’s leukemia; tomorrow it’s a job. The day after it’s my masters, and after that it’s my life. Because it was such a freak thing this is very much an isolated incident for me. And from what I’ve been told and how things are going that’s what I’m keeping my fingers crossed for. That it is just this two years, and then I’ll be done with it and I can move on.

I don’t know if I’m really explaining myself that well, but it’s just different. Yes I had cancer and I’ll be a survivor, but there’s less of a sense of camaraderie. I don’t want to compare chemo notes or trade drug stories. I’m not waving a pink ribbon or flashing my Livestrong band. Not that others can’t do that, but it’s just not me. Sometimes I feel as if cancer is seen almost as if it’s trendy, like with this big telethon coming up on Friday. I’m very curious to see how they’re going to do it, but with celebrities who are diagnosed it’s almost like a trendwatch. They have cancer for heaven’s sake; leave them alone!

I think younger people identify less. When you’re older it’s more common and it’s easier to all rally around each other and gain solidarity. When you’re young you’re alone. Even if you find others with similar diagnoses they’re still not the same. In my support group what we all like the most is simply the camaraderie – because that’s really the only thing we have. None of us have the same diagnoses and even if we did, I bet you there’d be those who are being treated differently or having dissimilar reactions, or whatever. Even within the world of cancer, it’s incredibly isolating. Young adults with cancer are considered those between the ages of eighteen and forty. 40!!! That’s how unusual we are, that the age range is that wide. My parents always told me I was special… Ha… I guess they were right.