Well, hello everyone... Sorry it's been a little while since my last flurry of picture postings. Hope everyone enjoyed them though!
A week ago today I had to go back into the hospital for my chemotherapy. It was a really high dose drug that has the potential to do major kidney damage so I had to go in for monitoring and so they could basically completely and constantly flush my system. It was kind of intense to say the least. I gained 10 pounds of water weight while I was in hospital and at its worst I was going to the bathroom every hour which is NOT fun overnight.
So the whole time I was really tired, which made me emotional, which made the whole time I was there (which was actually only four days, nothing compared to my first stay!) pretty miserable. The line I have that goes into my chest only has two ports, and they can combine some IVs, but one day I was hooked up to my chemo in one port, then saline and potassium combined in the other port (to flush my body but also replace all the electrolytes I was losing from being flushed), and I needed two blood transfusions. So what do they do? Put ANOTHER iv in my arm for the blood.
Being in hospital this time around everything just started to hit me I guess. Like, this is my life. IVs, tubes sticking out of my chest, cancer, chemo. My summer was supposed to be working at the Island Shop, working on curating an exhibit for the National Gallery, listening to Homegrown play at Docksiders, going out on the boat, wearing all the fun clothes I splurged on before I got diagnosed. Now when I go shopping I have to figure out what covers up my line the best. When I try something on, I don't just readjust the clothes to make sure they fit, I have to readjust my wig and try to ignore the fact that I don't even look like myself because my face is so fat from the steroids I was on. I made a crack the other day to someone about how I was a college graduate and unemployed. They replied though, "Well, this sort of is your job." And they're right. My job is doctors appointments, hospital stays, taking pills on time, flushing my line and changing the dressing. Not quite the summer I was planning... Not quite the Art Institute of Chicago like I was planning.... In fact, not quite the next TWO YEARS of my life that I was planning... !!!!!
So yea.... that's why I haven't written in a little while. I was just overwhelmed in the hospital. It's been really nice to be home, but I still have this cold that I got last week and I've got a handful of side effects to deal with that just aren't very fun. I don't know if they're from the chemo I had in the hospital or from these chemo pills that I'm on right now until next week or what, but basically my mouth is really tender and I have a really sore throat so it's hard for me to eat anything and even to talk for a while. Basically it's hard for me to do anything that uses my mouth. So it's really fun. Although I will mention that when I called my doctors about it they prescribed me what they called magic mouthwash. Picked it up from the drugstore and it's legitimately called Magic Mouthwash. Haha... thought about asking the pharmacist for some magic pills to go along with it but ultimately kept that between myself and my friend I was with....
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3 comments:
okay, not exactly the post i was hoping for! everyone has a different path in life, and everyone has a different way on traveling on it. just because you've encountered this speed bump doesn't mean that you won't do your internship, you won't go home and work at the island shop, you just won't do it now. and even though this sucks, and is obviously upsetting, you're so strong that you can and will get through this. you have such a strong support system in your family and friends and don't be afraid to call on them because they will ALWAYS be there for you (ahem!) you WILL do all the things that you have planned and love to do, babe. you just have a journey different than you expected to get there. much MUCH love.
...all the fun clothes you've splurged on?! Hmmm!
Note to blog devotees: Stephanie has earned her moments where a little peer therapy goes a long way. I'm sure there's only so much TV with Mom and Dad a girl can take! With a comparatively quiet summer ahead of her, anyone interested in a visit to historic, bucolic Concord is very welcome to stay over at our house. Base yourself here among the turkeys and deer (literally---I didn't mean her parents), then while Stephanie naps, check out The Old North Bridge (where the American Revolution began), the Alcott's home (where "Little Women" was written), and Walden Pond (where Thoreau lived and wrote his treatise on living simply, "Walden"), all minutes away!
Hey, Steph, I've been pretty wrapped up in wedding stuff here and just saw your pix from graduation. You look so happy! Congratulations. Uncle Pat and I will definitely be up for a visit at some point this summer. I'll check with your Mom about a good time. Also, I got a kick out of your flight-to-Georgetown story. We, too, have a James Earl Jones connection. Kristin's best friend from high school (Monica Nolan) is his personal liaison when he is representing Verizon. She travels with him all the time. If that's why he was in Washington, she was probably along. She calls him "Mr. Jones" and says he is delightful. He does have an amazing voice, doesn't he? On another note, I have to agree with you that your job right now is getting better -- whatever that takes. Try to laugh a lot (watch funny movies, old SNL shows, etc.). Laughing produces endorphins which make you feel better. That will help you stay optimistic in the face of the trials you're experiencing. And when you're just too tired or sad to help yourself, let all of us carry you with our prayers. We love you.
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